What is self-soothing and when can your baby do it?
If you feel like you’ve perfected the art of lulling your baby to sleep—bravo! Figuring out how to comfort and soothe your little one and send them off to dreamland is no small feat, and likely an artform you slowly perfected over time.
You’ve likely been able to indulge in the experience of looking down at the peaceful, sweet face of a baby you just rocked sleep, and create a memory worth cherishing.
Now that you’ve come this far, you might be noticing your sleep lulling tactics are hard to sustain. Maybe your baby is spending more time awake, and all the love and effort you pour into their playtime, and feedings leaves you with little left in the tank in terms of putting them to sleep. Or maybe your sleep methods are no longer working for you and your baby for some other reason, which leads you to wonder “when can my baby self-soothe to sleep?”
First, of all, what does self-soothing mean?
Though you may get different answers depending on who you ask, self-soothing is generally referred to as the process of babies calming and settling themselves to sleep.
This is not to be confused with a baby sleeping through necessary feeds when they are hungry, or being able to calm themselves when they need a parent’s help to cope with illness, pain, or discomfort from a soiled diaper, for example. In short, it is when babies can fall asleep independently.
It also doesn’t mean that you are letting your baby cry-it-out, despite what many think. There are many ways a baby can learn to self-soothe without crying at escalated levels for long periods of time.
How do I know if my baby can self-soothe?
Oftentimes you’ll notice your baby is beginning to develop self-soothing behaviors when they start to fall asleep on their own at night, or you’ll see signs such as moving their head back and forth, playing with feet/sucking on hands, sucking in general (with or without a pacifier), re-positioning/rolling around, or soft crying with pauses or lulls as they are entering sleep.
I actually notice my son doing all of these things now that we allow him the opportunity to fall asleep on his own! He almost always prefers to wiggle around until he is positioned himself so that he is completely sideways in the crib. Another nice thing about babies developing self soothing skills is that research shows self-soothing also means more sleep for both baby and tired parents. This is because babies who have the ability to self-soothe and can self-regulate, tend to sleep for longer durations.
So, when can I expect my baby to be able to self-soothe?
Once babies reach the four-six month mark, they begin to develop some ability to self-soothe. Before this in the newborn stage, babies’ circadian rhythms, which help them sleep longer stretches at night, haven’t developed yet, and they also do not have the ability to self-regulate. This is why any kind of formal sleep training/ teaching is not recommended in the newborn stage. At this stage babies rely on their parents to de-escalate them until they reach the age where they begin to adopt self-soothing skills.
Fortunately, these skills can be fostered early on by being attentive to newborns’ needs. Contrary to what some may say about “spoiling” a baby if you give them too much attention, the more attentive you are with a baby in the newborn stage, the higher the chance they will develop strong self-regulation skills!
As a mom of a five month old who frequently self-soothes,I can speak to this with firsthand experience. I attribute his ability to fall asleep on his own now, partly to consistently responding to his cries using the 5S soothing methods when he was in the fourth trimester phase, helping him self-regulate. This is backed by research as well!
One study showed that parents who used the 5S soothing techniques within the first twelve weeks had babies who were sleeping significantly longer, and cried for shorter durations than parents in a control group.
After babies move out of the newborn phase, and near the four to six month mark, parents tend to get excited because it is generally when babies start to develop skills that lead to falling asleep without parent intervention (such as rocking, bouncing, holding, or feeding to sleep), which can be further developed with some “practice”. This practice is generally what we refer to when we talk about “teaching a baby to self-soothe”.
Will teaching my baby to self-soothe harm them?
This is a common concern, that teaching a baby to fall asleep might damage attachment or will involve allowing babies to cry for long periods of time. And, it is a valid question—after all, we just want what is best for our babies!
In short, no, teaching your baby to self-soothe will not harm them or hurt your relationship. Research also supports this!
An interesting study showed that mothers of securely attached infants were infants with mothers whose interactions and responses at night were consistent, sensitive, and responsive. On the other hand, they found babies with an insecure attachment had mothers who made multiple soothing attempts, and were inconsistent in the methods used when baby woke, and responded more so in a manner aimed at stopping crying due to their own discomfort about hearing their baby’s cries.
Babies cry! Even though it can be hard to hear them cry, trying to avoid any tears at all may get in the way of allowing babies to use skills they have (such as self-soothing behaviors), or help them learn new ones. This study suggests that in terms of attachment security, keeping a secure attachment is more about responding to their needs in a supportive, consistent way, sensitive to a baby’s needs, even if it means a few tears along the way.
Of course it can be tricky to figure out what approach works best for your baby, as babies are all so different, especially in terms of how they sleep!
What if my baby doesn’t self-soothe?
If your baby is in the four to six month range and you are struggling with multiple night wakings, are worried about your own sleep, or your baby’s sleep, it may be best to rule out any issues that may be causing sleep disturbances. In this case, do not hesitate to reach out to your pediatrician, IBCLC, or other provider to get to the root of the problem.
If your baby is otherwise healthy, and frequently waking through the night, you may want to consider helping your baby learn to self-soothe. For guidance on how to teach your baby to self-soothe feel free to reach out to us for support! We can help you figure out how to best support your baby in getting to sleep with our 1-1 coaching, or virtual classes.
Sources:
https://www.happiestbaby.com/blogs/baby/the-5-s-s-for-soothing-babies
Crockenberg, S. C., & Leerkes, E. M. (2006). Infant and maternal behavior moderate reactivity to novelty to predict anxious behavior at 2.5 years. Development and Psychopathology, 18(1), 17.
Öztürk Dönmez R, Bayik Temel A. Effect of soothing techniques on infants' self-regulation behaviors (sleeping, crying, feeding): A randomized controlled study. Jpn J Nurs Sci. 2019 Oct;16(4):407-419. doi: 10.1111/jjns.12250. Epub 2019 Feb 6. PMID: 30729735.
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Five steps to teach your baby how to self-soothe