Managing Night Time Fears with a Toddler

Aug 20

Just when you think that sleep issues are behind you, and your child is happily sleeping through the night as well as being down to one solid, predictable nap, a new issue arises: night time fears. Around the age of two, continuing up into the preschool years and beyond, children often develop a fear of the dark or of being alone at night. This phase can last a few weeks, but can also extend to a few months or even years depending on how it is handled.

Toddlers begin developing new fears mainly because they become more imaginative and develop a deeper thought process than they did as babies. They are also more aware of the dangers in the world, and they can easily get scary ideas from books or TV shows that they are exposed to.

When your toddler or young child expresses that they are afraid of something, or if they start panicking around bedtime, the first step is for you to talk with them about it. Find out exactly what scares them. Toddlers often need help figuring this out and may not have the words to express what they’re feeling. It’s important to help them through this. However, be careful not to give them new ideas in the process! For example, if you ask, “Are you afraid that there’s monsters in your closet,” you’re essentially giving them something new to be scared of that they may have never thought of on their own! There are several reasons why a child might become afraid at bedtime, including the fear of being alone, the thought of something coming through the window, a mysterious noise, or a shadow on the wall. Without giving any new ideas, try to help your child identify what exactly they are scared of. Knowing this can help you comfort them best.

Once you understand what they are afraid of, acknowledge it. You don’t want to make their fear a big deal or dwell on the specific topic, but you also don’t want to ignore it or excuse it away, invalidating a fear that is very real to them. Saying things like, “That’s not scary,” or, “Big boys aren’t scared of the dark,” are never helpful. Instead, saying things like, “I can understand why that makes you scared,” or, “Lots of other kids are scared of that too,” can be reassuring.

After acknowledging their feelings and making them feel validated, the next best step is to move on quickly. A simple, “I'll be close by if you need me,” is a great example phrase! Don’t dwell on the scary things. Instead, reassure your child and talk about what they can do to be brave. Be creative, such as putting a stuffed animal in front of the closet to “guard the door,” if needed. My own daughter, who is almost three years old, has started saying the same thing every night after bedtime reading, prayers, and song: “Pray that I’m not scared of the dark.” Every night we say a quick, additional two or three-sentence prayer before saying goodnight and leaving the room. Together we acknowledge her fear without dwelling on it, and it gives her the comfort she needs.

If your child is very scared and wants you to stay in the room, make a transition plan. It’s better for you to sleep in their room for a while than to bring them into your room. Still, you don’t want to co-sleep too often or for several nights in a row, as this can set a precedent. Make a plan and communicate that plan to your child. For example, the first night you can stay in your child’s room until they fall asleep. On the second night you can leave the door cracked open and sit outside the door as they fall asleep. Work your way back to a closed door.

In the same way as you worked with your baby on self-soothing skills during the sleep teaching process, you want your toddler to learn how to manage their fears on their own. Of course we want our children to know we are there for them, but if they come to rely on us to comfort them every single time they are scared, they are less likely to try to calm down on their own. Something more sustainable than you sleeping in their room every night is the idea of introducing a comfort object, such as a blankie or a stuffed animal. In some cases, a night light is helpful. However, introducing a nightlight can also be a bit risky. Depending on the room, it can create shadows that may make the darkness seem scarier. If you do use a night light, remember that yellow or red hues are much better than white or blue colors, which can hinder sleep. We recommend the Hatch, as you can control the color and brightness from your phone, and it also serves as a time-to-rise clock and white noise machine. Another option to help your child learn to manage their fears is to teach them calming techniques. For example, you could teach them to close their eyes and think of something happy. You can also encourage them to sing or pray as they lie in bed.

Lastly, praise your child when they conquer their fears! Make a big deal out of it when they go to bed without crying, or wake up from a night spent without you. Tell them they were brave and how proud you are of them!